The Lord has truly been moving in my heart, forcing me to bend a little further and stretch a little more than I could have ever imagined. Currently, He is stretching me on grief. It’s a tough one too. It’s easy to say that we know and understand that our children will grieve one day, but it’s another to walk that road with them. I am not completely naive to the fact of how difficult things could be, but the reality of it is that until we walk that road, we wont really know.
Since baby bug has come to live with us, we have treated him as our own. I have a journal of all of his doctors appointments, firsts, adorable faces he makes, what makes him happy, how much he weighs and pictures. In essence it’s a scrapbook of his time here. If he leaves, he wont be missing this time of his life when he is older. If he stays, great he has a baby book!
While working on it yesterday, I called the hospital he was born in to see if by any chance the web nursery folks had taken his picture…something anything of his first few days on this earth. My search turned up empty-handed and I lost it. You know, the ugly cry. I grieved that this precious little guy doesn’t have those cute photos that only a momma could love. I grieved that no one was there to hold him while he laid in the little plastic prison, hospitals affectionately call “cribs.” I grieve more but I just can’t share specifics right now.
I selfishly grieved that the future is un-known. I admit that, he has arrested and captivated our hearts. We survive this coaster, by Christ alone.
Then I grieved for S. I grieved knowing how he came to be where he is and for his precious family who bravely made the choice. I grieved that we were not there to hold him and rock him as a baby. No one was there to catch him when he fell, no one was there to kiss boo-boos. No one was there when he would have surgeries. Don’t get me wrong, he is LOVED where he is but there is a big difference when it’s your momma and daddy holding you! I grieved that so much of his younger years are left without a trace.
We still aren’t there to kiss his boo-boo’s and we still aren’t there to tuck him in at night. We aren’t there to take him to doctors appointments and to tell him it’s okay to cry.
One of the webinars we watched had a GREAT printout (trying to see if we can find it somewhere else so I can share it with you guys as well) but it’s a book of sorts for S to fill out once we get him until we come home…it will be a block of his life for him to look back on.
That’s where our journey will begin for him. He isn’t sitting in his orphanage with his bag packed waiting for us to roll in, kiss him, hug him and bring him home. So many often say “your such a blessing to him” um, he wont know us, we are going to pack his things, and fly him 9,000 miles away…it wont be lollipops and candy corn we are going to be his worst nightmare…Lord willing temporarily!
So for now, I take this grief and thru prayer I ask the Lord to direct me and show me what He would have me learn from this. I ask that He make my heart sensitive to His voice, so that I can learn to be a sensitive voice when the time comes.
Those who say foster and adoption are cakewalks must live in glass houses…or something like that!